i moved into a really great apartment in queens at the beginning of january after being home for a month.  after living with a crazy women for a month and a half before that.  after staying on a friend’s couch for a week before that.  after staying on the couch at friends’ apartment for two months before that.  it was the same couch i’d been sleeping on for three and a half months.  i was on the tail end of healing from severely spraining my ankle.  i spent the spring lying on the sofa and visiting the physical therapist’s and the summer learning how to walk again.  sounds pretty terrible, but it was quite amazing.  exquisite even.  overall…i did have meltdowns.  it was the most painful physical pain i’d ever experienced and the biggest physical challenge.  ever.

that’s just my second year in new york.  the first year was way more intense.  bad relationship, bad job, bad break up, bed bugs, a summer of dodging nukes.  depressed cat lady roommate and inflated rent, horrid boss.  my god.

friends said “your are persistent”.  or am i just stubborn?  they said they would have come back home.  that thought never crossed my mind.  maybe it’s a bit of both.  or maybe i have will.  maybe i’m determined and resilient.  i think new york requires resilience.  maybe life does.  it’s a survival mechanism.

sometimes i do feel like a survivor.  like i’ve earned a badge.  i don’t need a badge, added character is a badge.

the summer with the bed bugs was the most traumatic for sure.  street cred bonus points.  mostly though, i feel grateful everyday that i’m up and walking around like i never damaged my ligaments so severely.  i feel grateful that i embraced the healing process and had the good fortune to be living on 82nd street between york and east end.  not only was it close to a fantastic physical therapist and lenox hill, but probably the best neighborhood to be while healing and learning how to walk in new york.  and i’ve sampled the neighborhoods.  on crutches.  sometimes in the rain.  wide sidewalks, friendly compassionate people, carl schurz park, the east river, the M31 and M86.  raul, the driver of the M31.

none of this was my holy shit moment, but that’s where i am.  it feels good to feel grateful every day for something.  the holy shit, i get it now moment relates to feng shui and macrobiotics.  i’ve often heard my teacher say, “the only lasting change comes from within.” and “empty vessels make the most noise.”  i always got it.  i always understood what he was saying, but i hadn’t really experienced it.  now i have.  and i’m sure i will continue with greater emptiness to have more holy shit moments.  and that’s exciting.

the follow up question to “what do you do?” is always, “so you can tell me where to put my couch?”  but it has nothing to do with your couch.  it’s about what’s going on inside you that’s creating the atmosphere where you live.  breath and blood, wind and water, feng shui.

here’s this great quote that jon sandifer posted the other day:

“It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, or so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere through which we look – to affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of the arts.” henry david thoreau

tonight i am breaking the fast.  i’m not sure yet what i’ll make.  stopped at the store on the way home and picked up carrots, turnips, sweet potatoes, mochi, red lentils, walnuts, dates, almonds, hummus, and crackers.  i still have a kabocha  squash, adzuki beans, quinoa, millet, and buckwheat from my last trip to the store.  i’m going to continue to eliminate gluten from my diet for at least the next week.  i may gradually reintroduce it on occasion to see if i can handle it without symptoms.

i’ve been looking for gobo (burdock) at whole foods and the market at union square, but have not been able to find it.  tonight i wanted to get cabbage and they didn’t have it either.  it’s so annoying because it’s in season.  there are plenty of pineapples, kiwis, mangoes, and bananas…all tropical fruits that shouldn’t be found in new york in january while cabbage and gobo should be easy to find.

one of the best parts of this fast has been getting reacquainted with my body.  it’s such a gift to be in tune with it.  another thing i’ve noticed is that it’s easier to just be.  on the train i usually read, but today i was content to just sit and be.

i could have gone longer.  i think it would be more fun if i were doing it with someone.  i think i’ll do the fast again next month and try for 5 days.  and then again in march,  maybe i can do it for 10.  we’ll see.  might definitely need a partner for that one.

since yesterday i’ve felt like i’m tripping.  the interwebs are a little intense.  it’s been nice listening to music, writing, and watching this series about food.  last night i watched some animal planet.  did a little stretching and yoga movement.  tomorrow that’s what i want to do first thing in the morning.  should be a nice way to wake up.

i’m not sure how i’ll feel tomorrow, but right now i feel like i could do this several more days.

a drank too much tea today though.  it’s only 4:30 and i’ve already peed 3 times.  and i’m not someone who pees a lot normally.  got to take it easy on the kidneys.

i snacked on a few bites an hour or so into the workday, as soon as i felt hungry.  i told one of my co-workers that i am doing a brown rice fast when he mentioned he was going to chipotle for a burrito.  ”why?!” he freaked in a fun-i-love-working-with-him way.  this was after 10 minutes of talking about food.  you’d think i’d be drooling, but i wasn’t.   i think he asked why i was punishing myself.  lol.  it doesn’t feel like punishment at all.   punishment would be having to eat instant ramen noodles.  or mcdonald’s.  speaking of which, when i got on the E train this morning, i could smell mcdonald’s.  the obese man sitting in front of where i was standing had a bag in his lap and some sort of egg and bacon sandwich in his hand with crumbs on his face.  it’s difficult not to think about what that food is doing inside his already overworked body while he’s eating it right in front of me.

today was much easier than the first day i tried the brown rice fast about a year ago.  i think it’s mostly because i’m excited to see what happens.  i’m not attached to the outcome.  last time it was like, omg i have to get through this for three days.  i’m not known for self-discipline.  this time around i’m focusing on my breath and how i feel as i go forward.   i’m having fun with it.   my body does feel better, i feel full of life.   i even noticed it was easier to sit with straight posture.  people tell me all the time i have good posture, but i slouch sometimes.

made a big pot of rice when i got home.  put a little ginger and gomasio in it.  i always forget to add the sea salt when i start cooking it, so it joined the last 5 minutes.   i have energy, feel full and happy about the work the rice is doing inside my intestines and to my blood.

i did have a small glass of water after dinner and about to make a second cup of kukicha.

tomorrow should be pretty easy i hope.   i am working from home in the morning, volunteering in the afternoon, and going to a lecture in the evening.  rice balls.  i’ll make them in the morning and take them with me.

oh mcdonalds,  you really are poison.  even when you are masquerading as healthy.

easing into it for sure.  a couple of reasons i decided to do it now are:  i’m due for cleansing and i’ve noticed lines on my toe nails indicating i’m a little malnourished.  i think it’s from too much gluten, so after the 3-day brown rice fast i’m going to continue with no gluten.  why aren’t there amazing gluten-free bagels in new york?!  i think eventually i can reintroduce it in small amounts.

i know i’m due for a cleansing because, well, i know what i’ve been digesting the last few months.   the holidays were off the hook.  when i finished you are all sanpaku a couple weeks ago, i thought as soon as the new moon, i’m doing a brown rice fast.    at the end he talks about the yin and yang of urine and bowel movements.  so i’ve been paying attention to mine ( they have been yin,  not surprising).  i remember how much my skin, teeth, and nails changed after eating 3 macro meals/day for 5 days.   although my condition was much different then, i know there will be noticeable changes with the fast.   if i can do it more than 3 days, i might.  not ready for a 10-day fast, nor do i think it’s necessary right now.

but once you make it up the stairs it’s like you’re at the 1% version of the natural history museum.  after making my way past all the heads there were skulls, a whole cheetah,  birds, a moose.  alright.  eccentric.

“keep going,”  they told me, those who had been there before and asked not to go back.

a zebra skin on the floor and then a lioness skin with the head still attached.  i kept going, turned to my right, and there it was.  a coffee table with elephant legs.  horrification.

and it didn’t end there.  there was a whole lion, mane and all as if it were caught in mid-stride.  in the same room a whole brown bear!  they’re the size of a fiat 500.  more moose heads.  and wildlife with horns.

in the kitchen were multiple photos of the host with dead rhinos.    ones he’d killed lining the bay window seat next to the kitchen table.  did i mention he’s a psychiatrist? in the study (there were more dead animals than books in the house) another giant moose and a moose skull with antlers.  the details on the antlers were amazing and very up close. there were dead animals all over the  house [mansion].  the photographer who shoots at their party every year calls it the house of death.  and it really is.  and totally over the top.  excess prominently showcased with animals from 3 continents.  his taxidermist loves him, that’s for sure.  the only animals i didn’t see represented were the giraffe and polar bear.  that would have been extra horrifying.

the best part was the hostess wearing a leopard print blouse.

before i saw it i was walking to oro with an envelope that needed mailing.   i couldn’t find a mailbox to drop my mail, only the the kind they use to store the mail they are delivering.  after several blocks, almost to my destination, i thought, “maybe i’ll run into a letter carrier.”  as i looked west on broome hoping to see a mailbox at centre st., a mailman appeared.  perfect.  i love it when things like that happen.  actually turned out better because it will definitely be postmarked today.

i transferred to the E and another man was carrying a small gift bag with handles.  he too was asking for money, and his gift bag sounded empty except for a few coins.  his story is different.  he’s homeless and staying at a shelter.  he has to bring his own food.  he was actually asking for money or food.  he said he’d changed his ways and just needed some help.  i felt so guilty sitting there with my bag full of organic beets, ginger, seaweed, and walnuts.  i thought for a minute about giving him one of my beets (i have 3), but once i gave a man a package of crackers on a train and he forcefully threw them at the girl sitting next to me.  that man couldn’t see very well and clearly wanted money even though he claimed to be hungry.  when i say homeless you might have an image of a disheveled vagrant in need of a shower pop into your mind.  he didn’t look like that, nor did the veteran, but that doesn’t mean he has a place to live.  the number of homeless people living in new york city alone is staggering.

i have no solutions to offer, but watching people suffer is unsettling.  i type this as i am just settling in to a new apartment, my 7th since i moved to new york two and a half years ago.  it seems totally unnecessary in a country filled with opulence.  maybe they should be at 57th and madison?  or on park ave?  or maybe those people ignore them too.  or others already have that market cornered.

when i got to my stop there was a homeless man sleeping at the top of the stairs.  i’m glad he had blankets and today was warmer than it was earlier this week.

i think it may have been my first day, one of the managers started calling me guapa.  then they all called me guapa and it just stuck.

7 years later, everyone has moved on.   when i run into them when visiting, they still call me guapa.   they introduce me to other people as guapa.  it used to be kind of embarrassing, but now i don’t mind.